Life, Liquor and Liabilities

I haven’t written in a while, if the date on the last post is to be believed its been since 2018. I guess sometimes it’s hard to find the courage to write about yourself or things happening in the world without feeling silly. These past couple years have been interesting, like most early twenties young adults, it’s a quest to find something to do with the rest of your adult life as reality sets in. I’ve been so hell-bent on finding a career in sailing when in reality its a very hard thing to do considering it’s a seasonal job, and I live in the wonderful, free and slightly cold Canada. Doesn’t mean I gave up on it though, it can be a wonderful hobby and there is one thing I have learned going to Nova Scotia is that I am very good with teenagers.

So, since university wasn’t for me, a fact I found out when I went back, and got put on anti-depressants because it made me so miserable, I decided to study the art of being a sommelier. Perfect right?! I mean there isn’t much in the world that I know more about between boats and booze. Clearly I was born to be a playboy…

But then 2020 strikes a blow on the planet. It’s like the planet was asleep for a while, unaware that she was being infested and when January 1st 2020 happened, she woke up in disbelief at the wreckage that was running rampant and decided to shake a few things back into place. And so she should. Racism, a bane that has always existed yet somehow we believed had been put to rest, is at an all time high. Police officers, people who are supposed to be the ones we turn to for help and for order, is murdering black people for no apparent reason. Rednecks shooting joggers because they believe they are smart enough to figure out who the neighbourhood burglar is, their only clue which led to a devastating conclusion being the colour of the joggers skin. Real Sherlock Holmes these two fuckers are. ‘Merica Fuck yea!

It is honestly the fall of what was once a great power, and at its’ head Donald Fucking Trump the cheetoh who stings like a mosquito. And we are all witnessing the mass murder, racism and economic catastrophe this man has managed to ignite in the states in a short term of 4 years.

It is honestly discouraging to see what is happening around us all, we are heralding a new age- it was time- and no-one knows what to expect. Hopefully better days as we march forward, we have no excuse with the plethora of information and resources at our fingertips. But, humanity is a fickle bitch and who knows which ways things are going to swing.

Oh, Nova Nova my dear Scotia. This summer is definitely different from last year that’s for sure. The vibe is different but I guess that is to be expected when you leave for a year then come back. At the same its a bit of an oxymoron because nothing has changed at all. It’s like time stood still and the last ten months never happened.

The kids are great, they’re so big now. Not going to lie a lot of people I hung out with last year aren’t back, have kids or are in relationships and here if you speak to the opposite sex you’re a harlot. The kids are doing great in sailing, Winning regattas, and making me super proud. This is exactly why I came back. This year is a lot harder, the kids are preteen adolescent boys with attitudes and egos. I have assistant instructors to help, but they’re young and impressionable so they lack authority. I am basically alone again. Can’t say I don’t like a challenge though, and these kids sure know how to give me one that’s for sure.

Nova Scotia is still as beautiful as I remembered it, even ten months passed it still takes my breath away. Sure, some of the scenery seems familiar now but every time I think of it and see the large expanse of greenery my heart skips a beat. There’s nothing quite like the eeriness and mysteries that are offered by the Nova Scotian Wildlife.

We all remember the shy fellow who hooked up with the chick from Ottawa. Well turns out he is going to be my new roommate because the person I was supposed to stay with Fucked me over. “no smoking, No Boys, And barely any alcohol.” As if. On what planet is that even achievable. Also turns out she would’ve been my boss. She also tripled rent last minute so I decided to stay with the dude. It was alright he pretty much kept to himself and I went along and did my own thing which was nice. Tried not to be hung up on the events of the past summer which left a pretty huge impact on me.

I’ve been hearing a lot about suicide, depression, and anxiety recently. My firm belief is that this is a result of our society. Why do you say? Well, first off, we set unrealistic standards and pressure for our generation which cannot always be met. At a young age, we are told that we can accomplish anything we set our minds too as long as we just believe. This is bullshit. We can accomplish anything we LOVE and are PASSIONATE  about as long as we just PURSUE it. That is the detrimental difference no one wants to tell their children. None of us are unique, not all of us will change the world, but what we can do is make a small difference in the lives of the people we love. The small circle we believe in. To make a large impact on the world isn’t something all of us can do, and its circumstantial as well. Our goal to make our mark in the world doesn’t have to be as large as Luther King. It can be as small as making a difference in the circle of people you surround yourself with. That in and of itself is a huge deal and something not everybody can achieve.

However, my generation is taught that they can change the world. false. You can be who you want to be because our forefathers fought for that right. But to believe that you will be the catalyst within your generation is unrealistic as there is only one per lifetime. And I believe that this pressure is being pilled on to kids, and if they do not comply and or fulfill the prophecy that their parents believe they will fill leads them down a dark path. Because hard reality hits them and they are not content with being normal, or average. which at the end of the day is what we all are. It’s an amazing thing to shoot for those stars, but not everyone can. As a result, the emotional and mental toll it can take on a person when they realize that they are not special or unique can severely impact their mental and emotional health.

We are also told, go to school, get straight A’s and your life will work out. Deviate from this path and you are doomed to be a garbage man. Not everybody can be good in school. I know I’m not. Not because they don’t have the intelligence but because not everybody can sit in a classroom for hours on end listening to the words of a single chump at the front of the class. We are constantly stimulated, bombarded by ads and change and flashy lights. This, as a result, makes our attention span very limited. Enter ADD and ADHD. I do believe this is a condition, however, I think we are better off without it. What happens when we graduate, are we to keep taking it for the rest of our lives? Likely, once we graduate we are doomed to a 9-5 job just as boring surrounded by the same four walls. If our system was modified to concentrate more on action and less theory, the success rate might increase, and thus the suicide and depression rate might decrease. We shouldn’t have to become zombies to be able to concentrate. With all this added unnecessary pressure, without a university degree, one will still succeed. And those with the university degree will too, but the kicker is it might not even be in your field.

Honestly, I always knew bar life and university was kinda gross. A lot of incest drama, sex and cliques. I thought I was ready for it and above it all. But then silly me I tend to overestimate myself. Also was not the brightest idea to decide and work at the place where my ex does, silly silly me. I started sleeping with someone about a month ago, quite handsome and with time I’m sure I would have loved to get to know him. He left for Nicaragua for a month and we did not stay in touch when he was down there. He isn’t one for texting and honestly neither am I. As all my friends would tell you I’m actually really horrible at it. So the problem in this story is that he came back a few days ago and straight off the plane he went to my place of work. I was doing coat check so I didn’t get to see him and it was really busy. We spot each other at some point and he comes to give me a huge hug and we try and talk but I was too busy. Also, my ex was waiting for me and pulling me away as we had work to attend to. This is where things go sour. My ex slept with someone and as it turns out the guy I was seeing had also slept with her over the span of a large amount of time. I was under the impression that all that was done so I didn’t really mind it wasn’t my place to protest or anything. The girl, however, comes up to me with shots and squeals “OMG are you sleeping with him? That’s so funny we’ve been sleeping together for years!” ugh barf.

First of all, honey to come to me and tell me that is extremely disrespectful to me and inconsiderate, SECOND ARE WE GONNA BRAID EACH OTHERS HAIR AND COMPARE TECHNIQUES ON BOTH MEN WE’VE APPARENTLY BOTH SLEPT WITH?!?! How the fuck did she think this was gonna go. So then obviously I brush it off. BUT WAIT. That night the guy sleeps at her house and she tells me DONT WORRY WERE NOT GONNA FUCK. Sweetie, that hole you dug just got deeper. AND THEN THE NEXT DAY SHE TELLS MY BOSS AND ROOMMATE THAT THEY SLEPT TOGETHER. So obviously I find out, I mean did she think he wasn’t gonna tell me?!? DUMBASS. She probably wanted me to know. And now at this point, I’m absolutely disgusted with the whole situation. He’s allowed to do wtv the fuck he wants and so is she, but I do not like to have that shit rubbed in my face. It’s not the guys’ fault, but I’m salty because he hasn’t tried to reach out to me and also because I could’ve really gotten to like this guy I think and also because it’s a giant blow to my ego. I do not want to get involved in some weird triangle and it seems that I have. IDK what his plans are maybe I was just sex all along, I do know that picturing them together makes me sick to my stomach, physically nauseous and I have no idea why. Never had that feeling before. It’s not like I haven’t slept with anyone when he was gone, I had my little black velvet adventures. However, I’m not about to go spewing on and on about it. I think the main reason I’m so peeved is because it looks like he picked her over me (they have history), because my pride and ego is momentarily ruined because I look like I’m on the same level as this girl (which I am most fucking definitely not), and because my pride won’t allow me to see this guy anymore for fear of looking like a chump (one of the seven sins I know). The worst part is here I am waiting around for this guy to message me when I know he won’t. And because I could message him first but I am tired of constantly pulling the first move (I blame the extremist feminist movement, that is a damn witch hunt I’d be afraid to breathe if I was a guy).

I’ve been single for some time now, about two years and honestly, it suits me. But I think I’m ready for something more than just sex friends and booze. I am not looking for a boyfriend but I don’t brush aside the possibility, but I guess everyone needs to be knocked down a few pegs sometimes. Even though it feels like I’m taking a lot of hits. I am extremely tired and everything seems worse when I’m tired. But eh, Turns out I don’t need the extra liabilities 😉

Nova Scotia, that’s a good place to start. As I was driven into town by a local, chit-chatting and making small talk, I look around at the most beautiful scenery I’ve ever seen. You might tell me; wait, British Columbia is magnificent, imposing and majestic. All true, however, Nova Scotia has the subtle rolling hills, hints of oceans and that mystical beauty. Its a more subtle kind of beauty but once you spot it, its hard to take your eyes away. As I pull into town, I meet my landlords. Beautiful people who took me into their home. The woman looked like a gourmet chef and the gentleman was the kindest man I have ever encountered. He had kind pale blue eyes, a slightly larger nose curving downward and thinning short grey hair. His smile was the softest and gentle smile which lit up his whole face. The woman was a headstrong, opinionated, short woman with short brown hair and sarcastic quick-witted humor. I was given the basement and a key to my room.  I paid 400$ a month and I was provided with everything including her amazing cooking.

 

The people I met in this town were incredible, simply incredible. The population in the winter reached a maximum of 1000. the summer there were many more people because it was tourist season and a lot of people kept their cottages in Baddeck. Every weekend I would try to do something different. I went to go see the citadel in Halifax with Allan and Katherine. Which was horrendous. Allan would never shut up about is motors and Katherine wouldn’t stop crying. For what I could not tell you because she “didn’t want to talk about it” but when I would stop asking I was deemed insensitive…oh the oxymoron. Katherine and I initially became friends because she was also a young adult from a big city moved to a small city. So to keep each other company we decided that we would be each other’s bosom buddies. That way we could explore the bars around together without having to show up alone. Little did I know alone would have probably been better. I don’t understand why some women have to live the stereotype that people make of them. I mean come one. They aren’t helping the cause for all women.

 

At first, it was hard to get accustomed to, like any new place we try to find where we fit in. Luckily, I’m loud, obnoxious and mostly friendly. So I fit right in. They all took me under their wings. Two weeks in, on Canada day I met an older gent, 16 years my senior. At first, I didn’t give him a second thought, but as the night went on I found him more and more attractive. The beer helped. He was friends with a woman I met who is the most fun-loving riot I have yet to meet her equal. Then once that liquid courage kicked in I kissed him outside while we were having a cigarette. Maybe its the whole Nova Scotian charming way of speaking -so stereotypically Canadian- or maybe it was loneliness, but in that moment nothing felt more right.  Man oh man did this man know what he was doing. He wasn’t a shy little boy and there is something exceedingly attractive about that. Most younger men find sex dirty or are shy about you know…female secretions. Not this man. In the end, that’s all a woman needs to feel sexy.

 

What I loved most of all about Nova Scotia, was the purpose I was given. I’ve always known that I needed a goal or a purpose in life I just never knew which way to align my sights. I’m obviously not alone in this everybody needs direction. Some people are lucky enough to find there’s earlier than others. Kids who originally came to enlist for two weeks ended up staying for the whole summer. I’ve never been much of a kid person but these kids were awesome, and without the restriction of the dim-witted bureaucratic whiners, I was able to teach the way I wanted to, and clearly, it worked.

 

However, when I drink I tend to make questionable impulsive decisions. My next Fling was hands down, not the most attractive man ever. Baddeck worked like this; In Montreal, I would be a 7/10, in Baddeck I was a 15/10. It was Afghanistan to quote the movie “WTF”. This guy and I slept together but then he had the pesky annoying of falling in love and such things and when I broke it off he resented me. Unfortunately, he was the cook at one of the only pubs in town. He was no good for me he did a lot of coke and drank way too much. For me to say that someone drinks too much you know it has to be an excessive amount because I happen to be a lush. He made my life a little complicated but admittedly I didn’t make it any easier, as the day after we did coke together I slept in his bed all day because I was too tired to go home. Literally. Could. Not. Move. So he thought we were all cuddly and shit and then was disappointed when it meant nothing.

 

After that, my Coworker and I finally got together. He was a tad younger than me, two years to be specific but admittedly he was mature for his age. And also one of the few attractive men in town, if not the only. We were friendly all summer but nothing had come out of it so far because he was in a relationship… One he’s been in since he was a pre-teen. Way too long and way overdue. It became unhealthy from what I hear. I do believe that at that point it was impeding his ability to evolve. Think of it as caffeine stunting your height or wtv. Maybe untrue, however it was time to move on. I truly liked this guy and coming home was the hardest thing I’ve done in a while, I missed not only him but the life I lived. We still talk every day and it brings me some comfort.

 

Ciao ciao for now!

 

I’ve barely arrived in Nova Scotia and already the first thing I hear them talk about is fishing. And a three pound bass. So great. I left early this morning, my first time really away from home, headed to Nova Scotia for two and a half months to teach sailing. Or actually technically run a sailing school. I get the fancy title because I’m the only one certified. Now I know I’m headed to the boonies. Small town and all. I hope I like it. Worst case I’m going to like the change and I’ve heard that the people are great, pretty hard to beat. So that’s super exciting. But I’ve been shitting liquid for a week. At first I thought it was because I caught a bug from Cuba. My sister was pooping liquid as well. But then after a little over a week, I figured it had to be something else. Nerves maybe? Obviously I’ve left home before but never for three months. Alone. I’m excited I feel like this summer will break or make me. Hopefully the latter. Currently I’m sitting in a little café -bar called beaches at the Halifax Airport. I’m sitting alone in an area that usually sits 4. At first there was no one here so I didn’t mind being a bother and taking more space than I probably should’ve but then all of a sudden that place got packed real quick.

Fast forward— On the plane. Halifax–>Baddeck

The plane was the shortest plane ride I’ve been in a while. Going up, then straight down. My ears popping consistently, but there was this nice fellow named Greg sitting next to me acting like a tour guide for me. He had the patience to answer all my questions and trust me when I say I had plenty. On top of that, he taught me Gaelic. GAELIC. That is amazing I love that Nova Scotia has such rich history and it is closely tied with the highland history. I learned how to say “hi how are you” and “I’m good.” Problem is however is that Gaelic is super hard to pronounce. Its very guttural. And I’m not even going to bother to try and spell it.

Meditating, yea I know. Call me a skeptic but I don’t believe in that stuff, like “finding your center”. Its not that I don’t think people need alone time, trust everybody needs to take care of business. But when it comes to finding yourself I don’t believe that it works. But then a good friend of mine, lets call him “Jefe” convinced me otherwise. I have been into some form of martial arts for the most part of ten years. Every time I walked out of that Dojo I felt strong, at ease and grounded. Jefe helped point out that for me, that was a form of mediation. It allowed me to focus solely on one thing and not be alone with my thoughts. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I hate the part of the night where you lie awake alone with your thoughts. HATE IT. Everybody needs a vacation from their own mind. And martial arts gave that to me. Jefe told me that he meditated everyday for fifteen minutes.

“It’s really hard at first, but everyday it gets easier and easier to think about nothing and focus on your breathing.”

Low and behold, everyday it did get easier. That same feeling I got when leaving the Dojo I now get after I meditate. I feel grounded, at ease and my only focus is to live life in the present without too much worry for the future.

The Future. The past. These are constant stresses in my life and I’m assuming in a lot of other people’s too. But in reality the future is constantly changing. No matter what program you go to school in chances are you will change field in the future. So why worry? Why not do what makes you happy right now. Because lets be honest, right now is all we have. And happiness can only be truly achieved in the present. Sure memories can make you smile and so can future dreams, but true happiness, that is in the moment. I’m still a skeptic about meditating, because I think that finding yourself is life’s greatest game of hide-and-seek. I do think that you can find happiness though. Grab it by the horns and make it your betch.