Unecessary Pressure

I’ve been hearing a lot about suicide, depression, and anxiety recently. My firm belief is that this is a result of our society. Why do you say? Well, first off, we set unrealistic standards and pressure for our generation which cannot always be met. At a young age, we are told that we can accomplish anything we set our minds too as long as we just believe. This is bullshit. We can accomplish anything we LOVE and are PASSIONATE  about as long as we just PURSUE it. That is the detrimental difference no one wants to tell their children. None of us are unique, not all of us will change the world, but what we can do is make a small difference in the lives of the people we love. The small circle we believe in. To make a large impact on the world isn’t something all of us can do, and its circumstantial as well. Our goal to make our mark in the world doesn’t have to be as large as Luther King. It can be as small as making a difference in the circle of people you surround yourself with. That in and of itself is a huge deal and something not everybody can achieve.

However, my generation is taught that they can change the world. false. You can be who you want to be because our forefathers fought for that right. But to believe that you will be the catalyst within your generation is unrealistic as there is only one per lifetime. And I believe that this pressure is being pilled on to kids, and if they do not comply and or fulfill the prophecy that their parents believe they will fill leads them down a dark path. Because hard reality hits them and they are not content with being normal, or average. which at the end of the day is what we all are. It’s an amazing thing to shoot for those stars, but not everyone can. As a result, the emotional and mental toll it can take on a person when they realize that they are not special or unique can severely impact their mental and emotional health.

We are also told, go to school, get straight A’s and your life will work out. Deviate from this path and you are doomed to be a garbage man. Not everybody can be good in school. I know I’m not. Not because they don’t have the intelligence but because not everybody can sit in a classroom for hours on end listening to the words of a single chump at the front of the class. We are constantly stimulated, bombarded by ads and change and flashy lights. This, as a result, makes our attention span very limited. Enter ADD and ADHD. I do believe this is a condition, however, I think we are better off without it. What happens when we graduate, are we to keep taking it for the rest of our lives? Likely, once we graduate we are doomed to a 9-5 job just as boring surrounded by the same four walls. If our system was modified to concentrate more on action and less theory, the success rate might increase, and thus the suicide and depression rate might decrease. We shouldn’t have to become zombies to be able to concentrate. With all this added unnecessary pressure, without a university degree, one will still succeed. And those with the university degree will too, but the kicker is it might not even be in your field.

Gross

Honestly, I always knew bar life and university was kinda gross. A lot of incest drama, sex and cliques. I thought I was ready for it and above it all. But then silly me I tend to overestimate myself. Also was not the brightest idea to decide and work at the place where my ex does, silly silly me. I started sleeping with someone about a month ago, quite handsome and with time I’m sure I would have loved to get to know him. He left for Nicaragua for a month and we did not stay in touch when he was down there. He isn’t one for texting and honestly neither am I. As all my friends would tell you I’m actually really horrible at it. So the problem in this story is that he came back a few days ago and straight off the plane he went to my place of work. I was doing coat check so I didn’t get to see him and it was really busy. We spot each other at some point and he comes to give me a huge hug and we try and talk but I was too busy. Also, my ex was waiting for me and pulling me away as we had work to attend to. This is where things go sour. My ex slept with someone and as it turns out the guy I was seeing had also slept with her over the span of a large amount of time. I was under the impression that all that was done so I didn’t really mind it wasn’t my place to protest or anything. The girl, however, comes up to me with shots and squeals “OMG are you sleeping with him? That’s so funny we’ve been sleeping together for years!” ugh barf.

First of all, honey to come to me and tell me that is extremely disrespectful to me and inconsiderate, SECOND ARE WE GONNA BRAID EACH OTHERS HAIR AND COMPARE TECHNIQUES ON BOTH MEN WE’VE APPARENTLY BOTH SLEPT WITH?!?! How the fuck did she think this was gonna go. So then obviously I brush it off. BUT WAIT. That night the guy sleeps at her house and she tells me DONT WORRY WERE NOT GONNA FUCK. Sweetie, that hole you dug just got deeper. AND THEN THE NEXT DAY SHE TELLS MY BOSS AND ROOMMATE THAT THEY SLEPT TOGETHER. So obviously I find out, I mean did she think he wasn’t gonna tell me?!? DUMBASS. She probably wanted me to know. And now at this point, I’m absolutely disgusted with the whole situation. He’s allowed to do wtv the fuck he wants and so is she, but I do not like to have that shit rubbed in my face. It’s not the guys’ fault, but I’m salty because he hasn’t tried to reach out to me and also because I could’ve really gotten to like this guy I think and also because it’s a giant blow to my ego. I do not want to get involved in some weird triangle and it seems that I have. IDK what his plans are maybe I was just sex all along, I do know that picturing them together makes me sick to my stomach, physically nauseous and I have no idea why. Never had that feeling before. It’s not like I haven’t slept with anyone when he was gone, I had my little black velvet adventures. However, I’m not about to go spewing on and on about it. I think the main reason I’m so peeved is because it looks like he picked her over me (they have history), because my pride and ego is momentarily ruined because I look like I’m on the same level as this girl (which I am most fucking definitely not), and because my pride won’t allow me to see this guy anymore for fear of looking like a chump (one of the seven sins I know). The worst part is here I am waiting around for this guy to message me when I know he won’t. And because I could message him first but I am tired of constantly pulling the first move (I blame the extremist feminist movement, that is a damn witch hunt I’d be afraid to breathe if I was a guy).

I’ve been single for some time now, about two years and honestly, it suits me. But I think I’m ready for something more than just sex friends and booze. I am not looking for a boyfriend but I don’t brush aside the possibility, but I guess everyone needs to be knocked down a few pegs sometimes. Even though it feels like I’m taking a lot of hits. I am extremely tired and everything seems worse when I’m tired. But eh, Turns out I don’t need the extra liabilities 😉

Where do I start

Nova Scotia, that’s a good place to start. As I was driven into town by a local, chit-chatting and making small talk, I look around at the most beautiful scenery I’ve ever seen. You might tell me; wait, British Columbia is magnificent, imposing and majestic. All true, however, Nova Scotia has the subtle rolling hills, hints of oceans and that mystical beauty. Its a more subtle kind of beauty but once you spot it, its hard to take your eyes away. As I pull into town, I meet my landlords. Beautiful people who took me into their home. The woman looked like a gourmet chef and the gentleman was the kindest man I have ever encountered. He had kind pale blue eyes, a slightly larger nose curving downward and thinning short grey hair. His smile was the softest and gentle smile which lit up his whole face. The woman was a headstrong, opinionated, short woman with short brown hair and sarcastic quick-witted humor. I was given the basement and a key to my room.  I paid 400$ a month and I was provided with everything including her amazing cooking.

 

The people I met in this town were incredible, simply incredible. The population in the winter reached a maximum of 1000. the summer there were many more people because it was tourist season and a lot of people kept their cottages in Baddeck. Every weekend I would try to do something different. I went to go see the citadel in Halifax with Allan and Katherine. Which was horrendous. Allan would never shut up about is motors and Katherine wouldn’t stop crying. For what I could not tell you because she “didn’t want to talk about it” but when I would stop asking I was deemed insensitive…oh the oxymoron. Katherine and I initially became friends because she was also a young adult from a big city moved to a small city. So to keep each other company we decided that we would be each other’s bosom buddies. That way we could explore the bars around together without having to show up alone. Little did I know alone would have probably been better. I don’t understand why some women have to live the stereotype that people make of them. I mean come one. They aren’t helping the cause for all women.

 

At first, it was hard to get accustomed to, like any new place we try to find where we fit in. Luckily, I’m loud, obnoxious and mostly friendly. So I fit right in. They all took me under their wings. Two weeks in, on Canada day I met an older gent, 16 years my senior. At first, I didn’t give him a second thought, but as the night went on I found him more and more attractive. The beer helped. He was friends with a woman I met who is the most fun-loving riot I have yet to meet her equal. Then once that liquid courage kicked in I kissed him outside while we were having a cigarette. Maybe its the whole Nova Scotian charming way of speaking -so stereotypically Canadian- or maybe it was loneliness, but in that moment nothing felt more right.  Man oh man did this man know what he was doing. He wasn’t a shy little boy and there is something exceedingly attractive about that. Most younger men find sex dirty or are shy about you know…female secretions. Not this man. In the end, that’s all a woman needs to feel sexy.

 

What I loved most of all about Nova Scotia, was the purpose I was given. I’ve always known that I needed a goal or a purpose in life I just never knew which way to align my sights. I’m obviously not alone in this everybody needs direction. Some people are lucky enough to find there’s earlier than others. Kids who originally came to enlist for two weeks ended up staying for the whole summer. I’ve never been much of a kid person but these kids were awesome, and without the restriction of the dim-witted bureaucratic whiners, I was able to teach the way I wanted to, and clearly, it worked.

 

However, when I drink I tend to make questionable impulsive decisions. My next Fling was hands down, not the most attractive man ever. Baddeck worked like this; In Montreal, I would be a 7/10, in Baddeck I was a 15/10. It was Afghanistan to quote the movie “WTF”. This guy and I slept together but then he had the pesky annoying of falling in love and such things and when I broke it off he resented me. Unfortunately, he was the cook at one of the only pubs in town. He was no good for me he did a lot of coke and drank way too much. For me to say that someone drinks too much you know it has to be an excessive amount because I happen to be a lush. He made my life a little complicated but admittedly I didn’t make it any easier, as the day after we did coke together I slept in his bed all day because I was too tired to go home. Literally. Could. Not. Move. So he thought we were all cuddly and shit and then was disappointed when it meant nothing.

 

After that, my Coworker and I finally got together. He was a tad younger than me, two years to be specific but admittedly he was mature for his age. And also one of the few attractive men in town, if not the only. We were friendly all summer but nothing had come out of it so far because he was in a relationship… One he’s been in since he was a pre-teen. Way too long and way overdue. It became unhealthy from what I hear. I do believe that at that point it was impeding his ability to evolve. Think of it as caffeine stunting your height or wtv. Maybe untrue, however it was time to move on. I truly liked this guy and coming home was the hardest thing I’ve done in a while, I missed not only him but the life I lived. We still talk every day and it brings me some comfort.

 

Ciao ciao for now!

Nova Scotia

 

I’ve barely arrived in Nova Scotia and already the first thing I hear them talk about is fishing. And a three pound bass. So great. I left early this morning, my first time really away from home, headed to Nova Scotia for two and a half months to teach sailing. Or actually technically run a sailing school. I get the fancy title because I’m the only one certified. Now I know I’m headed to the boonies. Small town and all. I hope I like it. Worst case I’m going to like the change and I’ve heard that the people are great, pretty hard to beat. So that’s super exciting. But I’ve been shitting liquid for a week. At first I thought it was because I caught a bug from Cuba. My sister was pooping liquid as well. But then after a little over a week, I figured it had to be something else. Nerves maybe? Obviously I’ve left home before but never for three months. Alone. I’m excited I feel like this summer will break or make me. Hopefully the latter. Currently I’m sitting in a little cafĂŠ -bar called beaches at the Halifax Airport. I’m sitting alone in an area that usually sits 4. At first there was no one here so I didn’t mind being a bother and taking more space than I probably should’ve but then all of a sudden that place got packed real quick.

Fast forward— On the plane. Halifax–>Baddeck

The plane was the shortest plane ride I’ve been in a while. Going up, then straight down. My ears popping consistently, but there was this nice fellow named Greg sitting next to me acting like a tour guide for me. He had the patience to answer all my questions and trust me when I say I had plenty. On top of that, he taught me Gaelic. GAELIC. That is amazing I love that Nova Scotia has such rich history and it is closely tied with the highland history. I learned how to say “hi how are you” and “I’m good.” Problem is however is that Gaelic is super hard to pronounce. Its very guttural. And I’m not even going to bother to try and spell it.

Meditating 🙏

Meditating, yea I know. Call me a skeptic but I don’t believe in that stuff, like “finding your center”. Its not that I don’t think people need alone time, trust everybody needs to take care of business. But when it comes to finding yourself I don’t believe that it works. But then a good friend of mine, lets call him “Jefe” convinced me otherwise. I have been into some form of martial arts for the most part of ten years. Every time I walked out of that Dojo I felt strong, at ease and grounded. Jefe helped point out that for me, that was a form of mediation. It allowed me to focus solely on one thing and not be alone with my thoughts. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I hate the part of the night where you lie awake alone with your thoughts. HATE IT. Everybody needs a vacation from their own mind. And martial arts gave that to me. Jefe told me that he meditated everyday for fifteen minutes.

“It’s really hard at first, but everyday it gets easier and easier to think about nothing and focus on your breathing.”

Low and behold, everyday it did get easier. That same feeling I got when leaving the Dojo I now get after I meditate. I feel grounded, at ease and my only focus is to live life in the present without too much worry for the future.

The Future. The past. These are constant stresses in my life and I’m assuming in a lot of other people’s too. But in reality the future is constantly changing. No matter what program you go to school in chances are you will change field in the future. So why worry? Why not do what makes you happy right now. Because lets be honest, right now is all we have. And happiness can only be truly achieved in the present. Sure memories can make you smile and so can future dreams, but true happiness, that is in the moment. I’m still a skeptic about meditating, because I think that finding yourself is life’s greatest game of hide-and-seek. I do think that you can find happiness though. Grab it by the horns and make it your betch.

My Next Step

I have a dilemma. This summer I decided to make yet again another change. It’s kind of a recent trend of mine to get me out of this long slump I’ve been in recently. I’ve been an avid sailor my whole life, I honestly can’t think of something I love more than the thrill of sailing. After three years of teaching in the same area, I decided that it was time to move on. I applied to various places but have narrowed down to two separate places. One in Victoria BC where I would be an assistant instructor in an assisted sailing program, and the other in Nova Scotia where I would be the head instructor in a small sailing school. I’ve never felt more wanted! BC is beautiful and it would be a wonderful experience and definitely rewarding. Do you sense a but coming along? BUT 😌the problem is that the association in charge of hiring me hasn’t sent me a contract to sign yet and has not helped me find an apartment as they said they would. And I would be leaving in three weeks. Secondly, rent is ridiculous, so is food and so is the air fair. So I would barely be breaking even by the end of the summer. Nova Scotia I’d have a place to stay with the locals, the village community is great and so are the people. I would be the head instructor and that shit looks great on a CV. And I would probably walk out of there at the end of the summer with a small margin of profit. 🤙  Annnd here comes the guilt. I told them I would take the job and I always like to keep my word but they are making it very difficult to do so. So I might bail last minute but what else can I do? Pass up an amazing opportunity in Nova Scotia when I didn’t even get a contract yet?

CONFUSED,

CC

How outdated is our educational system?

Dear life,

What to do, What to do?

I have long since known that school isn’t the place for me. Not because I can’t manage it but because the educational system is completely outdated. Why do I have such a strong opinion about this? Because when going to school, you’re constantly told to think outside the box, to push the boundaries. In reality though how is it possible to think outside the box when every assignment you hand in has guidelines that need to be followed? How can one think outside the box when the guidelines of every assignment are there to make sure you don’t color outside the lines? Recently I handed in a paper following all the guidelines and supporting my arguments with facts, this should’ve been enough but the TA failed me because she did not agree with my opinion. Bit of a Dilemma isn’t it. Forward thinking is not achieved when one is limited to what they are allowed to think and not to think. Since the enlightenment period, our educational system hasn’t really changed. The world changes around us yet we refuse to change the system with it.  We understand more about human behavior; that everybody learns at different speeds and especially that everyone learns in different ways. I’ve been told many times that I should take Ritalin and I have, just without a prescription. But i think it is really sad that the only way I am able to get through an assignment is by popping a ritalin pill, effectively dulling my senses and turning myself into a zombie. How is that the solution? We should be nurturing our childish creativity and divergent thinking instead of subduing ourselved into a single train of thought.

 

CC

My first post

Hey!

As clearly stated this is my first post, so be gentle. The purpose of starting this blog was to find a creative outlet for myself. My blog will simply be a way for me to state my thoughts and opinions online. I started journaling when I was eight years old, I’ve always loved writing. Recently my friend suggested I start a blog and share my thoughts. To be honest it is slightly scary to put your thoughts and feelings out there but life is all about risk, amiright? I chose the name Life, Liquor and Liabilities because the moment I said it out loud I got those little shivers in my stomach that tells me it feels right. That says a lot about my character, doesn’t it? It’s a vague topic but that’s what my Blog will be about. As I keep writing who knows, my topic might become more specific, but that’s part of the creative process isn’t it. Just write the first thing that comes to mind, make it raw.

 

Sincerely,

CC

MOVING BACK HOME

Dear life,

After living on my own for nearly five months now, I have moved back into my parents’ place. Now usually this is a great thing but I lived with real-life neanderthals. That’s right, though thought extinct they are very much alive and posed as my roommates. In the beginning, things were great, I mean which young adult doesn’t love the thrill of moving out and tackling life on your own. The beginning of our first steps into independence, and a big “I’ll show you” moment. Low a behold it was worse. To be fair I stupidly chose to live with two guys who would soon turn our apartment into a trap house. Like the ones from those pretentious douches from rap videos. For example, I, being a student was trying to be responsible, I hate school enough as it is so let’s not make it worse by surrounding yourself with idiots amiright? Wellll fak. Waking up at 10am to find a bunch of random smelly dudes doing lines in your living room doesn’t exactly inspire the term “responsibility” or “healthy living environment”.

To be fair, I’m no Mother Mary either. Working at a bar has its perks, but free alcohol is definitely not one of them. I mean it is, but then it gets old. I came home drunk after work more often than not, the difference is, however, I’m still a FUNCTIONING borderline alcoholic. They would smoke-no joke- an average of 5-6 joints a day, couple that with a few MDMA pills and top it off with some shrooms and you got yourself one mind-fuck cocktail.

In the beginning, I would clean regularly, but then at some point, I gave up. You know those dreams where you’re trying your hardest to run but you just can’t seem to make yourself run faster? Your palms sweat, heart beats faster, you think “push push push” but nope. Nada. That’s what cleaning that apartment felt like. You’re thinking; “why didn’t you just talk to them about it like civilized people?”  Well dearest, I did, but it’s kind of hard when the person you are talking to is convinced that reality isn’t a thing and that everything and everyone is just a figment of your imagination. Time to lay off the drugs? That shit must look like swiss cheese. I guess the whole point, is that maybe moving in with people who you thought you knew isn’t the best idea. Because once you live with them there’s a good chance it’ll ruin your friendship. 🤦🏼‍♂️

Sincerely,

CC